The Xmas Grinch

I'm the family Grinch when it comes to the holidays, particularly Christmas (which I prefer to write as "xmas" and thus, will do from here on out). I'm not sure when it all started, but it couldn't have been more than a few years ago. I think it has something to do with my rejection of all things religious and/or my distaste for consumerism and/or participating in wonky family traditions. Maybe it was when I found out that the whole Santa Claus thing was just a big hoax played on unsuspecting children and that the clunking of reindeer hooves on the roof we all heard were more akin to delusions than a team of magical mammalian sleigh-pullers.

The whole xmas thing feels like one big game, hopping around from store to store searching for just the right gifts for the people on our endless lists while trying not to get into a fender bender in the crowded, icy parking lots full of crazies who come out of the woodwork only for this seasonal spectacle. The sales and "come-ons," the ridiculously cheery ads, the family obligations, the redundant xmas music assaulting us everywhere we go, forking out money for wrapping paper, bows and gift tags that are just going to end up in a landfill. It's all mind-boggling, really. But there's no way of escaping the holiday potlucks at work, gaudy xmas decorations or being on the receiving end of luke-warm holiday greetings. I often fantasize about going on a two-month hiatus starting from the day after Thanksgiving (hell, the day before Thanksgiving) up until mid January. That way, by the time I get back, the decorations would be put away for the year, desserts consumed, music off the airwaves and seasonal aisles would be stocking up for the next holiday created by Hallmark. Hey, I might still see a stray discarded pine tree on the curb, but I could deal with that.

I could spend hours bitching about the holidays and why I loathe them, but I'm surprisingly not in all that of a bitchy mood. And for all the bad things I just wrote about xmas, there is one simple pleasure that I can enjoy at this time of the year--wrapping presents--which is why I have no problem helping out with a gift wrapping fundraiser for the wildlife center where I volunteer. There's something wonderful about neatly packaged items, folding the corners just right, and the intellectually stimulating atmosphere of a bookstore. I could do without people shoving merry xmases down my throat, but that's just to be expected.

Getting paid to wrap a few simple gifts (especially nicely shaped books) seems a bit off to me. But we are providing a service and I guess a lot of people just don't have the mad skillz necessary for gift wrapping perfection. Some customers even ask if we had to take a gift wrapping class prior to our fundraiser. Um, no. But let me whip up a resume of all my years of wrapping family gifts and I'm sure you'll see that I'm more than qualified. Since I usually had the most free-time from holiday obligations, I became the default family gift-wrapper. My mom would be off in the kitchen furiously baking pumpkin breads and addressing last-minute xmas cards while my dad would be watching TV (a vital holiday task for any self-proclaimed couch potato), so I would be left rummaging through everyone else's gifts in a tangle of paper, ribbon and tape. I always knew what everyone else was getting and even though I never once peaked at my own gifts in the process of wrapping, I could always guess exactly what I was getting too. My guessing ability became the stuff of holiday urban legend in our household. Without fail, no matter how my mom disguised my presents, I took a guess at what they were, opened the box and voila, I'm some kind of anti-xmas psychic wunderkind.

Alas (that word always makes me think of Dumbledore...), my holiday shopping has come to an end. For the remaining six days till xmas I can rest easy knowing that I don't have to be one of those poor assholes caught up in last-minute holiday shopping panic (oh, how I have been there before). I'll just sit back (but not too far--IKEA furniture can be fickle) and admire my neatly wrapped and packaged gifts sitting on top of my bookshelf. And come xmas, the Grinch will be back in town and all you jolly, sugar cookie-pushing, carol-singing, ugly sweater-wearing holiday fanatics better watch your back. You might just get buried in two feet of that white xmas snow you're always dreaming about. Try commuting back to your real lives in that mess.