Update: I have a roommate! And I'm moving into my new apartment in two glorious days!!!
I always thought I was a pretty intuitive person when it came to my own body and self. But I'm finding that I was dead wrong. Take, for example, that I spent 24 years of my life not knowing that I had a dairy allergy. (And my own dad is lactose intolerant!). I'm still not clear on the difference between a dairy/milk allergy and lactose intolerance, but being constipated, bloated, gassy and miserable on an almost daily basis is not normal. How did I finally discover this allergy? I went Vegan about a year ago and accidentally found out. I had never been without dairy long enough to see that I didn't have to just grin and bear it when it came to my GI issues. I mean, who talks about that kind of thing in regular conversation? "So, how's your gastrointestinal tract doing lately?" Diet really does affect our health, both physically and mentally, in ways we have never imagined. We are all told to drink our milk everyday for strong bones. And we are punished for not doing it (as kids). So when we grow up and finally have the freedom (and emotional intelligence) to make our own decisions, we find out that not all conventional wisdom is true or the best for us. Case in point, me and dairy.
Which leads me to how we "deal" with so many emotional and mental disorders. I cringe at work when a co-worker is singled out for her behavior and the solution is always "they need to up her meds." It's disgusting that everyone thinks pills (like anti-depressants) can solve all your issues, or that "upping" the dosage is the answer. Actually, people on anti-depressants have to continually increase the dosage for the medications to keep working. Otherwise your body builds up a tolerance (like with any drug) and they no longer have the desired affect. But medications and even therapy can only do so much. I don't pretend to know anymore than my own experience and research affords, but I have been through it. I have been at the highest possible dosage on an anti-depressant and "peeked." After weaning myself off the medication (under the supervision of a psychiatrist), I felt my mind clear up and the "fog" that encompassed my entire life had lifted. I had energy and physically felt lighter and better. But over the past six months or so, my period of neutrality dissolved into intense mood swings and a completely unstable sense of self. Never in my life had I thought about suicide on such a frequent basis (several times a week) or actually set out my entire inventory of pills wondering if I had enough to end it all. For a time I felt "dangerous," and that at any second I might go from feeling fine to wanting to be dead. In a split second. I had to organize my life around my moods, not planning anything too far in the future for fear that I wouldn't feel up to it. I had trouble keeping important people in my life in the loop because I'd be fine one minute during our phone conversation, then less than an hour later I'd be crying and throwing things at the walls. They'd call back a day later and think I was still doing great, even though I had plummeted into a severe depression and wanted nothing to do with them.
As I said, drugs and therapy can only do so much, which is why I'm turning my focus onto diet (not to be confused with a diet). As I told you, I am Vegan, so what I eat is nowhere near the average western diet. I eat mostly whole grains, fresh fruits and veggies, and minimally processed foods. That being said, I still have my hang ups. I have been an on and off binge eater for most of my young adult life. A huge emotional eater, though many people would act surprised, I was on the borderline of being overweight in college (5'6" and 150 lbs). After going Vegan and losing my appetite due to anti-depressants, I lost 20 lbs. And though the numbers go up and down a few pounds at any given time, I've pretty much kept it off. Except I feel fat, "heavy" and out of shape. I feel like most of that weight lost was muscle, which makes me very upset. My arms have turned to jello and with the winter weather I haven't always been able to ride my bike (my main source of exercise). My intense mood swings have also led me to believe that I may be more than just depressed and perhaps have bipolar II (hypomanic episodes rather than full manic episodes). I fit the "symptoms" like a glove. My therapist refuses to give me a label which I crave more than a warm fudgey brownie, so I'm only speculating or "self-diagnosing" here. Therapists hate when you self-diagnose. I think they feel threatened...
I was in a St. Vincent's thrift store the other day and randomly picked up a copy of "Potatoes Not Prozac" by Kathleen DesMaisons, PH.D. The book is basically about how some people can be sugar-sensitive and that excess sugar can throw off the balances of blood sugar, serotonin and beta-endorphin levels in our bodies, leading to many problems like mood swings. I fit her profile for being "sugar-sensitive." In the last several months, the universe seems to be pointing me in the direction of thinking about sugar. In my apartment search I met a girl who had a sugar addiction and was currently not eating sugar (only minimal sugar was allowed in the house). Then I had one of those darn "ah-ha" moments when I watched an Oprah episode on Type II Diabetes (the lifestyle induced kind, not the genetic kind). We are consuming much more sugar than our bodies have evolved to handle. And even as a Vegan, I am still getting too much sugar and probably simple carbohydrates as well (complex carbs are the ones you want). Even if you aren't eating loads of white bread products and sugary snacks, sugar lurks in practically everything from juice drinks to protein energy bars. And I confess that I'm no only addicted to chocolate like everybody else, but also Clif Bars. Mmmm.
So sugar is addictive and works like a drug, we all eat too much sugar in our diets (especially hidden sugar), and we crave sugar-laden foods like we are starving to death (even though we aren't even hungry!). So what to do about it? Well, don't go cold turkey and completely eliminate sugar from your diet. You'll only have withdrawal symptoms and come crawling back to the all the same foods and need even more to get your usual fix. I'll be the first to admit I'm skeptical about following seven-step or ten-step or any number of step plans to get to "a better you." But I'm going to try Dr. DesMaisons plan to see if this sugar thing is what is making me fly off the handle like a fucking crazy person. I don't want to be put back on anti-depressants or mood stabilizers. And I'll be honest, I HATE therapy. Not to mention it's way expensive and makes me feel "less than" good about myself.
This plan has seven steps:
1. Keeping a food journal (I've done it all before, but maybe this time I'll try harder...)
2. Eating three meals a day at regular intervals (and a couple healthy snacks?)
3. Taking vitamins as recommended (I take B12 as it only comes from animal sources)
4. Eating the recommended amount of protein at each meal (might be difficult as I detest tofu, but there's always seitan and tempeh which are even worse!)
5. Adjusting your carbohydrate intake to include more complex foods (bring on the potatoes and beans)
6. Reducing or eliminating sugars, including alcohol (here comes the really hard part...)
7. Creating a plan for maintenance (vague much?)
So here I go...I'll blog about my progress through each step and see if over time, my mood swings and instability level out. Keep in mind that through all of this I will be going to weekly therapy sessions, but am not on any medication.
I know my new living situation will help immensely with the irritability and anger spells, but underneath it all is the overwhelming feeling of something not being right. I want that to go away. I need to feel real and worthy and happy again. I need potatoes, not Prozac.
