Ok, it's time.
I've been searching for a new apartment since the beginning of December. And just like my unmotivated job search before I found my current job, it's been on and off. But now it is ON. Instead of searching for roommates in occupied places, I'm going to find my own apartment and be the one to choose a roommate. Unfortunately I can't afford a studio or a 1-bedroom (unless I want to live in somebody's closet).
We've all had the "roommate from hell." My first nightmarish roommate was in the college dorm freshman year, and aside from the fact that she was insanely homesick, had absolutely no personality and was addicted to the Sci-Fi channel, the main reason I couldn't stand her was that she was dis-gus-ting. I don't think she even owned soap. When me and my suitemate (and future best friend) opened her wardrobe one weekend when she was back home because we thought she had the Windex (I know, what were we thinking), we were horrified to not only find a pile of laundry clear from bottom to top, but a two-foot stack of food-encrusted dishes that had been collecting since the beginning of the semester. Keep in mind, I had to inhabit the same room with this girl. So one night, my revolting roommate ordered a pizza and left the box in the middle of the floor in the suite (after carelessly spilling garlic sauce on my polar bear slippers). My suitemate and I decided to try a little experiment with said pizza box. It was quite simple; we just waited for her to clean it up. Days and days passed. Weeks. We even have the notorious pizza box in the background of candid pictures taken in the room. It was there so long we were starting to think that she forgot it was hers to begin with. The box was there for about a month (in the exact same place on the floor) when we finally couldn't stand it anymore. Me and my suitemate ended up discarding it.
Sometimes I feel like I'm back in college with pizza box girl with my current roommates. To clarify, there are two of them, a couple, which is probably the first mistake I made moving in here. It's like I'm a permanent third wheel and outsider. Regardless of the issue, they always are on the same side and gang up on me. So I try to avoid confrontation. Most of the time I am living with her while he is off at college in another state (I'm going to refrain from using names). She's a messy, workaholic hoarder and he's an over-opinionated, know-it-all with anger management problems. I'm sure that describes a lot of people so let me give you the details.
The kitchen is in a permanent state of disarray, unless I break down and clean their messes. They don't believe in a thing called hand washing dishes. Fine, but it doesn't work when they can't put the dishes in the dish washer either. How rude is it to force your vegan roommate (me) to wash your cheese-encrusted pans and scrape bacon grease off the stove? Fucking rude. The concept of cleaning crumbs and spills off counter tops is foreign to them. Plastic containers, tupperware, dishes, pans, all just sit in or around the sink for days and I'm god damn sick and tired of it. There's garlic hanging from the ceiling that the roommates got from a job on a farm this summer. It's rotting and gross, but apparently watching TV is always a higher priority. They have the cat litter box in the kitchen and litter is always spilled by the back door. I'm always the one who has to sweep because they never will. She leaves her waffle maker out to cool, doesn't clean it, cat hair covers it, she puts it away, and uses it the next time without cleaning it. Would you like some waffle with your cat hair? The kitchen table is never actually used for eating off of. It's just a place where their junk collects. The junk changes over time, but it's always covered with something. Even under the table is a clutter zone. And don't even think about sitting on one of the chairs in this apartment unless you want a layer of cat fur sticking to your ass.
She thinks cleaning the bathroom means dropping a blue thing in the toilet. Ever heard of elbow grease? I'm the only one who has ever cleaned the toilet, shower, sink, mirrors or rugs. Recently I discovered a large hole in the wall below the light fixture (the view was obstructed by the medicine cabinet) and another on the side of the sink cabinet fixture. They've been living here for two years and never thought to get that fixed? Jesus. To top off our classy bathroom, we have a kitty litter bucket as a garbage can and a makeshift cardboard thingy over the toilet paper roll (supposedly to keep cats from playing with the tp, though I've never seen them go near it). And she brought home random tp from a public restroom to use in our apartment. I'm truly at a loss for words.
The living room can be summed up in a few phrases: dragon paraphernalia, a mooning Santa doll out all-year round, layers of dust, what my roommates call "snot rags" on the coffee table (aka snot-filled paper towels), ugly cat furniture picked up from the curb (blocking the hallway), an ugly ottoman (aka pillow attached to a stool with a belt), and more clutter than anyone could possibly deal with.
She does laundry maybe once a month and he hauls his laundry here so she can do it for him. He doesn't do laundry. Give me a fucking break. She doesn't cook and only eats that cheap instant dinner crap that comes in a box. Just add milk and enjoy! She does not eat vegetables. EVER. All she eats is meat, dairy and carbohydrates. It's an earth conscience, farmer's market-going, vegan's nightmare. She laughs like a hyena, he burps so loud you can practically taste it, and they are all proud of themselves when they clear their plates at dinner (all three portions worth).
They're uber sensitive (don't even think about engaging in the nature act of chewing in front of him), obsessed with "things" (I threw out dirty, wet plastic bags from underneath our sink when it leaked and she rescued all of them from the trash), wearing the same underwear for four days (the fact that I even saw them in their boxers is enough). They're your roommates! Ok, unfortunately they are my roommates and I am ready to fucking blow a fuse if I don't get out of here soon.
Maybe some of you are thinking, it's' not that bad. But let me just mention for the record that this building is enough of a shit hole already (it's most likely being torn down come August) without throwing in unclean, apathetic roommates. And it's less an issue about the physical messiness and more about their attitude and the way they always twist things to make me sound bad. Did I tell you about our fly infestation? That's a whole 'nother post...To sum up, the place is cheap, falling apart, ugly, there's no privacy and the basement gives me the creeps when I do laundry (every week thank you very much). This apartment is a nightmare for someone who values a little style and simplicity, a calming haven to call home, cleanliness, and a pest, cat fur and meat-free environment (we often have dead mice in the fridge for her large snake collection, yummy!).
So I think it's clear, my New Year's resolution is to find a new place and be moved in by mid-Februrary. Ready. Set. Go!
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