Moods and Mazes

I'm kind of in the mood to be a jerk right now and a bit doom and gloom-y, but forgive me, my identity has been stolen, my apartment is 63 degrees because the heat is broken, and let's be honest, my period is kicking me in the ass. I'm ready to strangle some unknown person from Kentucky who purchased wine with my credit card information, jump in my chameleon's cage and cozy up under the lights of her simulated tropical habitat and say fuck-all to being a woman who NEVER wants to have kids but has to go through all this monthly bullshit anyway. But fortunately for you, this post is about none of those things.

So, I feel like I don't know what I feel like anymore. Like I've not only disconnected with the rest of the human race, but from myself as well. Or maybe it's just that I don't possess the vocabulary to explain what I'm actually feeling or maybe the words don't exist. Maybe it's just too complicated to put into simple terms. But whatever it is, it's attached itself to me and remains so vague and ambiguous that I can't do anything about it. Maybe a visual will help. Indulge me for a moment; Imagine you're this mouse in a maze and you've just realized that there's really no destination and no cheese at the end. You are just trapped in this never ending labyrinth of dead-ends. But until you realized your fate of being trapped in this maze, you didn't know you were trapped, so there was at least this hopeful notion that something better was out there (cheese) and that you were headed somewhere (the exit to a better place). So I'm this mouse, just sitting there, staring at yet another dead-end, having realized my fate and wondering how anyone goes on going on once they've discovered the fucked up world they are trapped in. It feels impossible.

I suppose this is what happens when you choose not to be ignorant. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't know what I know. Would I be happier? Or would I just appear happier? Maybe this feeling (or lack there of) is just an inescapable result of being an adult. Children are so happy because they don't realize they are trapped in the maze yet. They don't know there's no exit and there seems to be an abundant supply of cheese for the taking. (Ok, I just need to disclose that someone or possibly a group of someones propagated this lie that mice like cheese, and now, it's just some sort of false cultural wisdom that just keeps getting passed on over and over again. Can I blame this on the creators of "Tom and Jerry?" I mean come on, where would mice find cheese in their natural environment? Agriculture and the production of cheese is a human invention. One that, along with religion, and more generally, human civilization, is basically destroying the earth.)

I know my opinions are a bit nihilistic, but I know there are a lot more people out there that feel the same way. Which is so frustrating because I don't know any of them and can't seem to find them. Instead, it's just me living in this world, living a life with a disease that I didn't ask for, that was basically passed on to me by all the fucked-up-ed-ness of a world that I had no say in. I know it's not fair, but I'm not asking for it to be. I'm looking for a way in. Not a way out, but a way in. Not to over-use this illustration, but I'm in my own maze sitting outside of the other maze and I know it. What I don't know is if there is a way to get from my maze to the other maze. Because the other maze might be fucked up and I don't want any of the god-damn cheese because I'm Vegan and everywhere I go will be a dead end, but at least they've got other mice to make it manageable. So you're not alone. So you can stand up to all the evils of the world together.


My little maze is getting very lonely.